Light Up Again
by Nonnihil Scelestus
Summary: I worry I wont see you light up again.


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I'm just borrowing them for a little play time, as well as the song for inspiration.

**Light Up Again**

As she sat under the lamplight of her desk, she allowed her mind to wander to the man who sat at the next desk. He wasn't there at that moment, and she was alone in their team's area. It was late as well, so the quiet added to her meditative state. Allowing herself to relax completely, she arranged her skirt, and propped her feet up on the edge of her desk.

Her mind drifted away from work and to other things, but her thoughts always returned to him. She could see him clearly in her mind, as crystal like and sharp, as though he was right there.

There was something magnetic about him, something that drew her in. When he spoke, they all listened. He could silence them with one look. He knew how to them without holding their hands, but he always managed to teach them something that would allow them to stay alive, or do their jobs better. He was a good boss by her standards, even though he could be a bastard.

When it came to his personal life though, he was closed down. He never said more than a few words about his relationships, unless it had something to do with their case, and even then it was still minimal. On the other hand, she was an open person, as long as it wasn't Tony asking the questions.

In her mind, she could see him leading the team, a broken angel with a sword of light, leading them into battle. She would follow him anywhere he decided to go. Even to hell if he asked her.

She worried about him too. He always felt things so deeply. His face betrayed nothing, but his actions and body language gave away his feelings on so many things. Her worry stemmed from the tragedies he'd endured. Each new weight could be the last one, the one to push him past the edge of his endurance. She'd never seem him be carefree and she wished she had. She wanted to see him smile without shadows, to hear him laugh without reservations. She wanted to be able to love him, and express her love openly. She wanted him.

The thought took her breath away. She had always cared, but this was new, different even to her. It was like her heart and her mind were finally on the same page, had matched up and collaborated on what they desired. The verdict was in: she wanted him. In her deepest feelings, where her worry stemmed, she knew it came from his inability to feel anything but pain. She wanted to give him back his joy. She wanted to see him light up again.

She knew it would never happen. He was too rule bound to allow her love to reach his heart, and she couldn't reach it alone.

_I'm open, you're closed_

_Where I follow, you'll go_

_I worry I wont see your face_

_Light up again._

She shook herself out of her thoughts, trying to force herself into working, but she couldn't concentrate on the tasks at hand. Her mind kept returning to him. She closed her eyes and tried to force him back into the box she's kept him in, a perfectly organized compartment just for him. She pushed aside his image, but his scent washed over her, bringing everything into sharp focus. Her eyes shot open. He stood there watching her while she attempted to clear her mind of him. His presence refocused her mind again.

Everything about him said exhaustion and he opened his mouth to tell her to go home, but she shook her head and he paused. He gave her a studying look, trying to gauge her. He shrugged it off and started to head toward the elevator. She followed him a few moments later, lost in her own thoughts, and nearly walked into him, realizing that she hadn't heard the doors close. He had waited for her. She looked him over and her mind returned once more to his dark places. She wondered if his spirit would light up again.

They rode down to the parking garage in silence. After the wandering her mind had done, she half expected him to stop the elevator, but he didn't. He walked her to her car, but she didn't get in. He just stared. He was dead on his feet. She steered him around to the passenger seat of her car.

She drove him home, but as she slowed down to turn into his drive, he shook his head. He didn't want to be alone in his house, sleeping under his boat for another night. She didn't question his desire to be away from his home. Sometimes there were too many memories in a home and they could press down, until they felt like they were suffocating.

She took him home with her. She set him up on her couch. He collapsed onto the sofa bonelessly, all of his usual grace lost in his tiredness. She headed to her own bed and sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night she heard a thump and a curse. She pulled her gun from beneath her pillow and went to investigate. In the hallway, she bumped into Gibbs. They both jumped and she lowered her gun. They stared at each other for a moment before she spoke.

"What are you doing up? It's the middle of the night."

"I needed to use the bathroom. I woke up and forgot where I was."

"Oh, sorry." She stepped aside and let him pass. She went back and sat on the edge of her bed. She put her gun back under her pillow. He came out a moment later.

"I'm going to head home." He said without preamble.

"It's the middle of the night." She pointed out again. He nodded but didn't move. It took her sleep-fogged brain a second to connect the dots. He saw the realization dawn in her eyes as she opened he mouth to say something. He shrugged her off before she could form a word. "You don't have to sleep out there." She pressed on. She saw the doubt filling his eyes. She rose and invaded his space. "Stay with me." She whispered against his neck. He looked down at her and nodded. She led him back to her bed, scooting over to the far side so he could sleep on the outside of the bed. She let him settle, and then got comfortable herself. They didn't touch at first. The tension in her bed was palpable. It took her awhile to relax enough to sleep. He was still awake, listening to her breathe when she woke next, an hour later. She rolled to face him. His blues gleamed in the darkness.

"Hey." She said softly, her fingers brushing his arm.

"Hey." He answered.

"Can't sleep?"

"Nah, watching you." She smiled at him, curling her fingers around his hand. She wiggled closer and he wrapped his arm around her. She snuggled into his chest.

"Sleep, Gibbs."

"Uh huh." They both drifted off a few seconds later, her warmth against him, the perfect sedative.

She woke to a cold bed the next morning. She checked the living room and found the blankets and pillows stacked neatly in the chair. She checked the kitchen too. Coffee was made, but there was no sign of Gibbs. She sighed in frustration and poured herself a cup of coffee. She stared out her window contemplating the previous night. She didn't hear keys rattling in the door, or his approach until he wrapped his arms around waist, holding out a paper bag in front of her.

"Hey. I got breakfast." He said.

"So I see." She turned to face him, returning his embrace. "I thought you'd left." He shook his head no.

"Cant leave, you drove me here."

"Right."

"Kate." She looked up at him. "I won't leave." She thought it was odd that he would say such a thing. Hadn't his wives left him, not the other way around? She looked into his eyes and saw the truth waiting patiently for her to see. What she saw made her smile brilliantly at him. The smile he gave in return light up his entire face, and his soul. It didn't matter how they came together, no matter what doubts they had, they would be fine.

_Even the best fall down sometimes_

_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme_

_Out of the doubts that fill your mind_

_You finally find_

_You and I collide._


End file.
